Free Floating

We here at Paranoia have honed anxiety into an artform, but we're pretty sure that nobody is comforted by the phrase "The golden age of robots is coming."

When it comes to asteroid impacts, it's not a question of "if," it's a question of "when." Now, a new piece of software can tell you if you'll be killed should an asteroid hit your town. We're skeptical, however. How hard is it to write a piece of software that says nothing but"You're screwed," when you click on it?

The FBI can already monitor your Internet use without a subpoena if they think you're a terrorist. But now the greedy bastards want to be able to tap your communications, you know, just because they feel like it. Public comments are being accepted today over at the FCC website. No word yet on whether or not disagreeing with more lenient wire tap rules qualifies you as a terrorist.

We're going to have to start calling Chicago, "The City of Big Brother." Last year, Chicago police put 30 bullet proof cameras in high crime areas, also known as "you know, where poor people live." Well, now the city wants to add fifty more of them. Also: The police are going to add "gunshot detectors," which are capable triangulating within 20 feet the location of a shooting. Pray God the Bulls don't win another NBA championship. . .

Given the mad cow disease scare that took place back in January, you'd think that the USDA would be in favor of testing cattle, right? Well, no. The agency in charge of protecting our health decided not to allow an American beef production company to test its beef, which is something it would have to do in order to sell in Japan. Always a proud agency, the USDA isn't about to let those crummy Japanese tell US beef producers what to do. Well, it's either that, or the USDA is afraid of what they might find. Paranoia suggests that you stick with the chicken from here on out.